Dear Ura Weakun:
I'm writing you to congratulate you and your friends for your lack of Bible study. That's one thing that makes me appreciate you so much. Sure, you keep some Bibles around the house, but you never read them, do you? A Bible is all right as long as you don't read it. Those pretty black covers and gold-edged pages kinda give a little dignity to a room.
I don't know when I've ever been in a better mood. It seems that people haven't ever known as little about the Bible as they do now. They can't fool me with their talk about how many Bibles are sold each year. I'm not worried about how many are sold, but how many are read. If people knew as little about how to handle fire as they do about how to handle the Bible, every town in the world would burn down tonight.
I just wanted to write so that you would not pay any attention to all this talk about studying the Bible. Elders, preachers, and teachers are the main ones that put out all that "study" talk.
Ura, if you should lose control of yourself some night and start to pick up the Bible and read, remember to turn on the TV set instead. If there aren't any good TV shows on, then try the newspaper or the latest magazine. Should you feel that you just have to do some Bible reading, do as little as you can, and make sure that you don't read long in the same place. Don't try to get the meaning of the verses. Just scan the passage and maybe the urge to read will leave.
In closing, remember this, Ura, "It pays to be ignorant." The boss is overjoyed at your stupidity on Biblical subjects.
I remain yours for a sinful world and pledged for the promotion of a lack of Bible knowledge
Ima Drawback,
Satan's Chief of Staff
Department of Ignorance,
Headquarters Torment
(Selected)